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My Brave is Huge

Posted by kosturcompose76 on July 23, 2016
Posted in: Inspiration.
Me, dancing to Brave, in front of open windows. Totally brave.

Me, dancing to Brave, in front of open windows. Totally brave.

I had a bad week.  Not the worst of my life, but I cried at work every day until today.

Today, I went into a meeting that had the potential to leave me in tears and instead I held firm. I politely and carefully explained that I was standing up for myself, for what I needed to keep myself healthy and happy and that I understood the consequences.

I turned down an offer which, while couched as a benefit for me, was intended to solve everyone’s problem but mine.

It was hard. It was scary and it was so worth it.

I spoke truth to power, then I went home and danced to Sara Bareilles’s Brave.

I’m here world, and this is exactly how big my brave is.

PS. I never could have done this without all the people who love me helping to validate that work was treating me unfairly and it was ok to stand up for myself. Love and thanks and then love again.

Have You Seen My Pen?

Posted by kosturcompose76 on July 19, 2016
Posted in: Uncategorized.
None of these are my pen.

None of these are my pen.

I have a serious stationary problem. Actually I have two serious stationary problems.

The first is that I, for whatever reason, have a deep need to purchase stationary. I light up when I see a Staples store. I once made jewelry out of Post-It Notes, and when I cleaned out one of the junk drawers in my house I found enough perfectly functional pens to fill a 2 litre storage container.  Yet, with this abundance of supply I can still be driven to distraction by losing my favourite pen, which leads me to my second stationary problem; I lost my favourite pen.

It was green. It had a flamingo on the clip and it went missing at Vancouver’s Folk Fest this weekend (just in case anyone happens to find it). I’m fairly sure I owe the loss to some sort of pen karma. I just haven’t figured out if it was my bad pen karma, or someone else’s excellent pen karma. I’m hoping for the latter, and imagining some free spirited folk musician writing lyrics I wont understand with my green, flamingo pen.

Write on folksy maestro; it’s an excellent pen.

 

PS. My new favourite pen is blue. It has a constellation on the pen clip. We’re still building our relationship, but it looks promising.

PPS. There is nothing like writing about a small problem to take your mind off a big problem.

PPPS. It makes me feel super dumb to say I have a big problem, when my actual problem is invisible when compared to everything I saw on the news today. Must. Find. Perspective.

My Dyson is Judging Me…I might deserve it.

Posted by kosturcompose76 on July 16, 2016
Posted in: My Progress.
IMG_20160626_191030

PS, melted Tupperware smells BAD, but it does peel right off a stove element…kind of.

I’m Tupperware obsessed and I’ve been trawling second hand stores to buy pieces that I remember my parents having when I was a kid; juice jugs, jello moulds, popsicle trays. I buy new Tupperware too, but there’s something deliciously nostalgic about the colours from the 70s. I was especially pleased to find a vegetable tray. It had a lid and I was already picturing myself at pot lucks; me in a polka dot apron with a tray of carrot and celery sticks in pockets of almond coloured plastic in one hand and a tri-coloured jello mould jiggling in the other. Sigh. But the fantasy was cut short by a little  accident involving a few hundred degrees C and the tray lid.

“Um, Laura? What’s that smell?”

Long story short, melted Tupperware smells bad, really bad.  But my Dyson air purifier took over, ramped up to full speed and cleared the air (ish). Yay! Dyson to the rescue.  (Cut to me feeling proud of buying an air purifier.)

Then, a couple of days later I was cooking and the Dyson ramped up again. I was a bit surprised, but I had let the butter heat a little too long.  Then it happened again.  Now, nearly every time I cook the purifier comes on line full speed.

So, I’m pretty sure the Dyson has judged my cooking abilities and found me lacking and now I’m on a campaign to convince the it that I don’t consider melting Tupperware to be “cooking”. (See Dyson, my tunafish casserole turned out just fine.) Then again, I did burn several sets of element covers before I stopped using them, and I have lit my oven on fire more than once so maybe the Dyson has a point… and maybe I should take the hint.

NB. I once had a character in the video game The Sims that was so bad at cooking that she lit her partner on fire while attempting to make dinner, then had a sad ghost in her house. (I hope that’s not art imitating life…or game imitating life.)

Recent Writing

Today I wrote the ending for a novel I’ve been working on for some time. (It was really satisfying, even more so because the protagonist surprised me. I love it when that happens; clever protagonist.)  The novel isn’t finished yet but I wrote the ending and now I’m wondering if attempted murder, manslaughter and arson are a sufficient number of crimes for a protagonist to earn her punishment…

One Too Many Things Minus One

Posted by kosturcompose76 on January 7, 2016
Posted in: Writing Exercises.
Picture of notes and textbooks.

This is all the French studying I don’t have to do anymore because I’m finally done, done done! Ahhhhhhahahahahhahahahahha!

I now officially know how many things is too many.

Well, at least I know for now.  I have a habit of forgetting what this particular line in the sand looks like.  But for now I know, it is all the things I’m doing now, plus studying for a French test.

I knew studying for my oral exam was putting pressure on me.  I was frustrated, tired, I lost interest in doing much of anything and my body hurt. But far be it from me to listen to my body, or you know recognize abject misery held off by handfulls of chocolate chips and sour patch kids (alternating obviously, because they do NOT taste good together…not that I’ve tried…stop judging me.)

Anyway, I was in denial about how much it was taking out of me, until today.

Today, I finally did my test. Pass or fail (I’ll find out next week I hope) it’s over and I had a great day.  Not that the day was actually that great… I had a difficult conversation with a potential new boss, I left work with 15 tasks in my email flagged critical and my BlackBerry is still frantically blinking trying to get my attention, but it was all manageable and the world of me lately that is totally great.

I smiled. I chatted with colleagues. I handled the stress of tasks and pending email and voice messages with what is probably close to a normal reaction.

I can’t decide if the lack of stress left me buoyant or if cutting away the worry tied around my legs allowed me to float towards the surface. But to everyone up here at the surface… Hi. I’m back.

Writing Prompt:

Do you need a life ring to stay afloat, or are you sinking because you haven’t found a way to take the stones out of your pockets?

Leading With My Limbic Brain

Posted by kosturcompose76 on July 9, 2015
Posted in: Inspiration, Writing Exercises.

Limbic

I started reading Lean In. I’m only 20 percent through the book and I already know it’s going to change my life. Sheryl Sandberg’s words are calling me to action. (I feel like I have a giant neon arrow pointing at my head. Like she’s a good friend, poking me in the ribs saying “Hey, Laura, this is you”.)

The Universe it throwing all sorts of hints my way that it’s time to lean in and change how I think and present myself to the world. It’s time to be brave.

I want things. We all want things. My problem is that I usually go after the things I think I should want, rather than the things I really want or even like.

I took a class in ancient Greek in University because I wanted to see myself in a certain way. Seriously. Ancient Greek. I hated every minute of it. It was a bad case of miswanting.

The same semester that I took ancient Greek I put off joining the school choir or taking a drama class (even though I peered into the lobby of the school theatre with longing every time I walked by) because I’d convinced myself that wasn’t the type of person I was meant to be.

I even convinced myself to give up writing in my teens because doing something I loved wasn’t practical. It took me years to build up the courage to try again and re-discover my love of storytelling.

So if I can’t trust myself to want the things I’ll like what can I do? Simon Sinik gave an amazing TED Talk about leadership that introduced me the solution. Lead with the limbic brain.

Simon described the limbic brain in a way I’d never understood before, he called it the decision making centre, the gut instinct section of the brain that inspires. The less flattering version was the lizard brain. (He was talking from a standpoint of inspiring others as a leader but I saw it as more. Why not inspire myself?)

I think I’ve been ignoring my limbic brain for my entire life.  Ignoring those little bursts of excitement when I hear about a new job, hobby, person or thing that interest me. I let the rest of my brain overpower the limbic lizard’s message that I’ve just encountered something worth exploring.

I let the rest of my mind, the part that is polluted by years of cultural training and self doubt take over.

“You don’t really want that. It’s not the safe choice. What would people think? Bad, limbic lizard, bad.”

So, rather than thanking evolution for the hint to follow a new path, taking a risk and exposing myself to something new, I let my non-lizard brain tell me what I should be excited about.

That pattern led me to abandon writing in high school and take ancient Greek in University, two incredibly poor choices.

The pattern led me to accept mistreatment at work (past jobs) because standing up to the authority wouldn’t be taken well.

And the pattern continually leads me to say yes to commitments and projects I know I won’t enjoy simply because others are enthusiastic about them.

No more.

Time for a new commitment to me:

  • I will pursue projects that excite lizard me.
  • I will take risks and have the hard conversations when I’m not happy.
  • I will accept praise. Full stop.

When I slip I’ll try again.

When I stop enjoying something that isn’t critical to my life I’ll take a break without guilt.

I’m not going to change who I am, just how honest I am with myself. I want to see me be brave. This is me. See me write.

Writing Exercise:

There are consequences to every action and I’m grateful for that. In fact I wish more people were aware of consequences. (I’m talking to you silver pickup that cut me off today.)

  • If you yell at your boss, you can expect to be fired or at the least disciplined.
  • If you’re rude, people won’t want to be around you.
  • If you cut me off I will honk repeatedly, gesture and … ok, bad example, he totally got away with it.

Most of the time when you act poorly towards someone else the consequences are clear, but what if the consequences for behaving poorly towards yourself were clear?

Sure, not exercising will make you unhealthy, but that’s the easy one.  What if every time you put yourself down or thought something negative about yourself there was someone in a chocolate brown smart car behind you honking and gesturing rudely?

Happy writing.

I kissed a wolf and I liked it…la la la la la la la

Posted by kosturcompose76 on May 18, 2015
Posted in: Inspiration, Writing Exercises.
WolfKiss

Damu, a three year old Ambassador Wolf from Project Wild Song. https://www.facebook.com/ProjectWildsong

 

I just found this picture in my archives so I’m sharing it.  It was taken at the Vancouver Web Fest that I attended because of work I’m doing to support a great new Web Series, Mathilda, Monster Hunter for Hire.

If I lived in a movie, Katy Perry would have leapt out from behind the car to belt out a canine version of I Kissed a Girl.

“I kissed a wolf and I liked it, the taste of his..”

OMG, that would be an amazing theme for a werewolf satire.

Writing Exercise:

Two words, werewolf satire.

Happy writing.

O.M.G. It’s here!

Posted by kosturcompose76 on March 20, 2015
Posted in: My Progress.
Pulp

My first published work as an adult. Squeee!

 

800 new words on the page and Super in print.

It’s a good day.

140 Needles…and still no dog

Posted by kosturcompose76 on March 17, 2015
Posted in: Writing Exercises.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Wait. I signed up for a puppy. When does the puppy get here?

 

I finally went to the allergist today.

Apparently to prove that I’m allergic to something I’ve been allergic to my entire life I need to be jabbed in the arm repeatedly with a pin and then watch my arm swell into hives (don’t scratch!). Seriously is there some underground market for antihistamine out there that they can’t just take my word for it?

Allergists are sadists.

But it’s worth it. It is. Because I want a dog. I told the allergist that the minute I walked into his office.  I want to get allergy shots because I want a dog.

So he jabbed and I sat and itched without scratching, imagining myself cuddling a whole litter of fluffy puppies without sneezing once.

Dr. Sadist:  “You’re allergic.”

Me:  “I know.”

Dr. Sadist:  “You have year round and seasonal allergies.”

Me:  “I know.” Did this guy even bother to read my file?

Dr. Sadist:  “You will need two shots a week for 8 months, then two shots a month for a year, then shots every four months for another year.”

Me:  “Wait, this paper says pollen and dust mites. How will this help me get a dog?”

Dr. Sadist:  “No, you shouldn’t get a dog. You suffer from allergies.”

What? No. Seriously. What?  I didn’t even have the words to ask any other questions. I just picked up my prescription for 140 needles full of allergen and walked out the door.

Writing Exercise:

What is the cost of everything was measured in needles (or some other form of pain).  You want a new car? That’ll be 15 punches in the left breast. You’d like that muffin? Six paper cuts please. 140 needles and you can cut that lawn. Wait, something seems wrong with that deal.

 

Strange Cultural Echo

Posted by kosturcompose76 on March 15, 2015
Posted in: Writing Exercises.
Crow

Walking your dog should involve actual walking, FOR THE DOG. But sorry about the crow, I really thought it would choose the sausage.

 

Living in Yaletown I’ve gotten used to the sight of strollers that are just as likely to be carrying a dog as a child.  I judge them, but I’ve grown accustomed to what I assumed was a cultural phenomenon in my little piece of Vancouver.

Before you berate me for judging, these dogs aren’t late-in-life (read old and crippled) creatures being taken out for fresh air by their loving and possibly overindulgent owners. They’re inbred fur babies (often wearing more expensive jewelry than their people). And, while they’re so tiny that walking for ten blocks would exhausted them and put them at risk of being whisked away by a particularly hungry crow, they could probably walk.

I didn’t think accepting the stroller puppy phenomenon was a bad thing. After all my (and everyone else’s) acceptance of this oddity wasn’t likely to cause a breakdown in society…and I was doing my duty with my silent judging. Then I saw something that changed my mind; stroller kitty.

Now admittedly the cat, stroller and who I can only assume was the cat’s caregiver were in the downtown east side so there is a possibility that there were mental health issues involved, or that maybe the cat’s owner was, I don’t know, taking it to the vet and didn’t have a car. But there is the equal possibility they were just going for a walk and I’m going out on a limb with this one. Cats in strollers is one step too far.

What if someone from Yaletown, drove by and saw the stroller kitty and was all “what a great idea”? The sidewalks are already crowded enough with canines on wheels and people that can’t figure out basic umbrella etiquette (tilt when you pass people for the love of all…) But cats in strollers?

No. Just, no.

The next time I see a healthy dog in a stroller I’m going to be part of the solution. Me and a pound of raw sausage are going to see just how far a stroller puppy can run… Sorry in advance if it’s your dog…and if a hungry crow gets it. I promise to throw a sausage at the crow.

Writing Exercise:

What other uses could you find for a pound of raw sausage?  And how would you explain the smell?

I plan on randomly sniffing other people and loudly asking “does anyone smell that”?  Then I’ll just keep moving, they’ll never know it’s me…until I throw the sausage for a dog…then they might know it’s me but they’ll be too busy watching a crow carry away a chihuahua and a pound sausage to notice the smell. (Genius.)

Happy writing.

 

What You Missed While I Was Blog Lazy

Posted by kosturcompose76 on March 13, 2015
Posted in: Writing Exercises.

Carcass

Deer Carcass

Steps taken to get this picture: 1. Abandon your car on the side of the highway. 2. Run across the highway. 3. Sink to your thigh in a snowbank. 4. Wonder if this is how the deer died. 5. Take picture. The result? A creepy carcass picture that’s hard to explain. In my defence, there was a bald eagle sitting on it right before I took this photo. In my prosecution it’s not the first time I’ve done something that could have ended in “and she will stand as a cautionary tale for all”.

 

Monsters (not related to carcass photo)

Troll Selfie

I’m not sure which is more frightening the troll or my inability to take a selfie where I’m actually looking into the camera. Either way, we killed the troll later that day. Well, Mathilda did. (Click the picture to watch the troll die. Die troll, die!)

 

Die Flledermaus (not related to troll picture)

Opera2

Totally not pronounced die flader mouse…I checked…twice. But it was a fun night at the Vancouver Opera anyway. Die Flader Mouse, die!

Tupperware!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

1. Tupperware was established in 1946. 2. My book is set in the 40s. 3. These facts screamed themed Tupperware Party. I may have found exactly what I’ll do when I have a book launch. I baked cookies and served candy cigarettes. Because, 1946! BTW, it turns out that when you sign up to sell Tupperware, you get a butt load of free tupperware. Yah, I’m totally a Tupperware consultant now.

 

Jello

The other reasons to host a 1946 themed Tupperware party? Jello moulds, pears and a husband in (costume) uniform. Mmmmm.

and finally, this Seagull.

Seagull2

You know… stuff. Now you’re all caught up.

Writing Exercise:

Choose a picture, be inspired. Happy writing.

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