- All together now…”Pblbbtssbtb”.
I (quite correctly) received a Treo bill the other day for travel across the new Port Mann Bridge. Or should I say my husband received the bill (as the registered owner of the car). I called Treo because I thought I had traveled more times than indicated and (as the efficient person I am) wanted to pay all the outstanding fees at once; then began the adventure.
Me – I want to pay this bill. Can you help me?
Treo Lady – I can’t talk to you, because the bill isn’t in your name.
Me – I know, it’s my husband, I just want to pay it.
Treo Lady – I can’t talk to you, because the bill isn’t in your name.
(REPEAT)
Ok I thought, this is a security thing. A stupid security thing, but at least I can feel good about the fact that they are trying to protect people’s information. So I had my husband call and authorize me. FYI, to “authorize” me, all he needed was:
- His name;
- A voice that sounded male; and,
- Our account number or (and this is the kicker) our license plate number.
(Is it just me, or could I get all of that information by listening in on a conversation, then following someone to their car? Not that I would, but…)
Then I called Treo back…
Me – Hi my name is Laura and I want to pay this bill.
Treo Lady – Oh yes, your husband just called, you are approved to access this account.
Me – Your security sucks.
Treo Lady – You have to understand we need to be careful or a stalker could keep track of where people are going.
Me – Yah…because you’re security sucks.
Treo Lady – Huh?
Me – Seriously, how do you know I am who I say I am? You didn’t ask any validating questions.
Treo Lady – That’s why we had to have your husband verify you for the account.
Me – How do you know the man you just talked to was my husband?
Treo Lady – <silence>
Me – Seriously, I could have asked anyone with a male voice to say he was Andre, and you would have let them authorize me. I. COULD. BE. A. STALKER.
Treo Lady – Um…
Me – Don’t you think it’s dumb to pretend to have security in one place and then ignore it in another?
Treo Lady – Um…
Me – Your security sucks…I think you should write that part down.
I know security theatre is a part of life now. And maybe I should just get used to it. But seriously Treo, don’t argue that the stupid thing you’re asking me to do is for my own security. Just admit it is a stupid thing and I’ll probably do it with less complaint. After all I’m not even a criminal and I’ve thought of at least one way to defeat your “security” system.
PS Treo – If anyone ever tries to pay my bill, don’t ask for ID, just take their money.
Writing Exercise:
Do you ever wonder if you’re a criminal? Wonder if maybe your skill set is better suited to a life as a grifter or scam artist? I know I couldn’t make a living that way (I have a deep-seated guilt instinct) but sometimes, when I see criminal opportunity (apparently missed by others), I start to wonder…do non-criminal minds think this way?
Imagine that you are a criminal mind…that has just chosen to not be a criminal. Do you still flex those muscles? Grifting other personalities at parties just for fun. Finding holes in security then almost breaching them so that you can point them out to the authorities? Building the perfect gang of mercenary criminals to fight injustice? (God I love Leverage; The A-Team of this generation.) Happy writing.
